Bipolar is trying to kill me
Vote at the end if you want a deeper breakdown...
12/19/14 was the day I was hospitalized.
If you can do math (go you) then this year on 12/19 it’ll be TEN YEARS since I was a pretty little patient in a psych ward (it actually wasn’t pretty but paralyzing).
10 years ago….
I was 19.
I was put on court-ordered treatment for an SMI (Serious Mental Illness) bipolar 1 diagnosis.
I fell in and out of many sexual relations with whoever looked like a “nice distraction” at the time. If I wanted anyone, even for a second, I always got them and they always wanted more but… I never did. It wasn’t what I actually needed. I needed love but I told myself love wasn’t real when it was and still is. It’s real because I feel so much of it everyday, over and over, on a loop that never slows down or stops… flowing out into me from my husband.
I hated myself. I was beautiful but I never believed it when anyone called me that because I thought they were lying. I hated my body, my mind, my experiences and my life. I was consumed with pain, betrayal, anger, rage and immense emptiness.
I came home from the psych ward and had 0 tools to manage the psychosis that ravaged my entire being and still had complete control of me.
Sometimes I view myself and my bipolar diagnosis as one entity.
Other times, I view the bipolar in me as a nightmare I had…. right before I was hospitalized.
10 years ago, I had extremely vivid nightmares but the scariest part was most of these nightmares actually came true.
There was this girl who mimicked the version of myself I once was right before I was swallowed up (all the way) by psychosis...
She was and still is evil and insidious.
She was beautiful, captivating, charming but extremely devious, calculating, cold and self-serving. She tried to convince me that she was me and I believed her... but not for long.
I woke up many nights screaming in tears because it felt like I could not move or speak. I do not want to go into much detail because it is disturbing so if you want me to write about these nightmares and what they symbolize please let me know….
I will also share how these nightmares helped me correct my lifestyle to get to where I am today.
Although I spent a very long time in the dark… if I could make it out to live in the light then so can you.
So can anyone and everyone who has ever struggled with bipolar disorder.
Bipolar will continue to try to kill me but… she can try… but she will never ever win.
All my heart,
Paris Scobie